i had a major heebie jeebie freak out today. it was awesome! it is the best because it fills the time. gah. i forgot to take one of my meds last night, i don't know if that could be it, sometimes i wonder if it has to do with something else. i wonder if something is happening somewhere else and i am feeling the backlash. if that makes any sense and doesn't sound strange. i have dreams about things that happen. i had insane dreams last night that had to do with my niece and nephews, a party at my parents' house and my sister-in-law thinking she was pregnant but it ended up being someone else, but i don't remember who it was. i had a bunch of people who were ill sleeping in my house, which in the dream had a ton of bedrooms that each had two beds in them, like a tweens room. very odd. no clue what that was all about.

i think i had about 6 showers. 2 of em standing up, the last 4 lying down in the tub. i try to calm myself down, but i just can't. heather called and wanted to get together. i had gotten ready after i first showered, took another shower because i felt a bit out of it, got ready again, took another shower and then i started running overtime into when i was supposed to be meeting her. she came over here instead and we talked on the back porch swing, one of my favorite hangouts. i am not a person that "connects" easily with many people, and once i do, i can't disconnect. the time i spent not talking to her, i thought about her all the time. she is such a sweet person. i am hoping that it is time now for her to accept only good stuff into her life. i felt better after hanging out with her. i realized i hadn't remembered to eat today. i just was so out of it all day. i was sad to see her go and tried to get her to stay over or let me sleep there so she wasn't alone there. she needed the time alone.

i have had a headache that i can't shake for a few days. i make the mistake of talking on the phone, i don't feel super bad and make it worse. i knew that this freakout would end up as a headache. i will be sorry to say this out loud, but i would choose a migraine over a freakout any day. it is unbearable. as unbearable as a good migraine is, when i have these bad fits, i am totally ready to jump out of a window. or take another shower. at least i am clean. right?

in non-sick news, here are some paper cutting, and paper arts links, seriously mind-blowing...su blackwell. just...woah. and these cut lights from tord boontje. gorgeous. absolutely inspiring and gorgeous. wow. i am going to give it a go in the next few days. i can do it sitting down AND it is cheap! woot woot!

how about some easy and yummy peanut butter cups?

make sure you tell the people that you love that you love em. and maybe make em peanut butter cups, too. love to you all. and then some.

xo
n.

well, i guess my social life took its toll on me. i couldn't get out of bed today. literally. i had a really bad headache last night and had a hard time sleeping, in fact, i took a shower at 5 a (i think). i just felt like poop. anyway, at about 4p, when jake was leaving work, i was dead asleep. i spent the next few hours trying to get up, to no avail. i haven't brushed my teeth yet. put it that way. even when i feel horrible, i force myself to get up and put clothes on, even if it is lounging clothes, but i was just too tired. i didn't even eat. so. needless to say, i got nothing done today. i did do a lot yesterday, i did spinning and did some mohairy corespun types of yarn using locks and loose mohair, but i also did one using some loose alpaca that i had dyed and it came out pretty cool. i took the brushy thing from my carder meant to clean it out and took a fistful of the fiber, including sparkle and dyed sparkley nylon and brushed it roughly, just to break up the clumps (it was really clean and smooth, but organized like when it was cut off, it is suri alpaca) and it really came out cool. i will probably use this technique again. one of the shops i sell to asked for more yarns like that, so i am trying to get them together. i really need to get stuff out to the shops i am selling to, i am so broke and the market is so crummy right now, ya know? you do.

i was wondering if the way i list or tag stuff on etsy hurts me in sales, so i went on and looked around to see how other people are tagging them, but it isn't really much different. it seems that only patterns and supplies are selling for the most part. and the cheap stuff. that too. if your item is under 12 bucks, it might sell. ah well.

and whilst looking for how people are tagging their stuff, i came across twinklehooves, who makes the teeeeeeeniest amigurumi you have ever ever seen. adorable. absolutely adorable. i have always loved teeny things (except for men. i like em big;)) and as a kid, i would have went totally bonkers for her stuff. too cute. i wish that i had known how to knit and crochet when i was a kid. i think it would have helped with my nervous and bitchy demeanor. plus, i could use the hooks and needles for self defense.

our neighbors across the street (they live in the same apartment building as the freak that left the note on our car not to park in "her space" and then knocked on my door in the middle of the night about the same thing, expecting me to move the car, despite the parking spaces all over the place)are always coming home late (when the bar closes, i assume) drunk, loud, fighting with each other (one night, the girl says "i hate it when you are drunk. you don't know what is going on and you blame me for stuff i didn't do!" dude says drunkenly,"like what?!" she replies "you said i got mustard on your shoes but my hotdog didn't even have mustard on it!" this "discussion" is yelled. everything they say is yelled. when they talk on their cellphones...yelled. two nights ago, they came home making noise, etc, as usual, and then i was treated to hearing the dude barfing for several minutes. i hope in their car. they deserve it. you know that once you puke in a car, you might as well send it to the junkyard. that smell just never goes away. as a teen, i had a friend whose dad was the police chief, we were using his dad's car one night and one of our friends threw up "out the window" of the front seat, so it went back in the back window, hitting me in the face and we had to try to get the smell out. we thought we did, cause we were teens, but i imagine his dad knew something was up. we cleaned the car with simple green because it smells so strongly of rootbeer. years later, i saw on the bottle that you aren't supposed to use it on fabric because it will eat through it. oops. anyway, they are some seriously suck neighbors. the only nice neighbor is the drunk old dude that hangs out on the porch. le sigh.

off to check emails and try to sleep.
xo
n.

so, firstly, thanks for the kind emails and phone calls. i have been really out of it. yesterday, i did some dyeing and apparently overdid it, i get so excited when i feel good enough to actually do stuff that i overdo. i talked on the phone, sat outside in the sunshine, did the dyeing, hung it up, sat outside and talked, dyed some more, hung it up, made dinner (jake didn't know what to do with himself) i even packed up the leftovers for 2 days lunches for him. last night, not so good. i had a fever, but my body was cold, i had a bad headache, i think i vomited a couple of times, and to make it even more special, my nose was so stuffed up that i couldn't breathe. it was a miserable night. the night before, i hadn't slept at all, literally, and then got up and did all the stuff, so i guess it was payback. i didn't get out of bed today. i kept trying to get up, but i would fall back asleep. at 5 pm when jake called, i was still in bed. insane, eh?

so let me just send a little note to a long time "friend"...hey lupus...you suck my ass. big time. i always say that we coexist and i accept it and it is okay. it isn't. you seriously, seriously suck. and to make it even better, i can't even use you as an excuse for having to leave things early, not go out at all, etc, etc, because it makes me feel like i am making excuses. and your buddies chronic fatigue, epstein bahr, fibromyalgia, migraine, arthritis, and the awesome bouts of anxiety and depression that hang out with you, they all suck ass too. bunch of freeloading arseholes. if you wanna hang around with me, you need to start paying some sort of rent. bring a bag of chips, chip in for all the medications...something.

i had a custom order for chocolate brown yarn, and for any of you non-dyeing gals and gents out there, brown is a very tricky color. i initially dyed the fiber, and it came out so not right that i decided to spin the yarn, ply it and then dye the finished yarn. it took two shots at that, and it still has some light spots, but it looks okay. unlike oil paints, the fiber dyes just don't follow color theory. they are made up of so many different things that even on their own they pull out odd colors depending on the fiber. i have also heard that different pans can make colors change as well. i got some really pretty fiber. here are a few photos. i will be listing that and the other ton of fiber that i still haven't gotten around to listing. and i finally am getting my my electric carder from angela. yay!


i also took a photo of this "peaks" i have been crocheting. i have some really really big ones. this one was crocheted with noro yarn meant for machine knitting. it is almost as thin as thread. so i used a teeny hook and it took me forever to make. i don't know what they mean, but i feel compelled to draw and paint and make them. here is one, not stuffed yet, finger included for size...and dye stained nail. ew.


xo
n.

i am having a really hard time getting up. i have stuff that has to get out today and i have just now gotten my coffee and pep pill. i am so tired. my mind has been racing with all of the things i want to make and do, but the body is just not cooperating. it is a funny thing, on lupus group online i notice that people make comments that lupus sucks, or chronic fatigue sucks, or whatever. i consider it to be a part of who i am. it is strange, when i really think about it. i have always felt that way about all of my various maladies, that they just are a part of me, just like the parts that i like. is that a healthy way to think? i dunno. i never think of any of my issues as things that will ever go away. it just is a part of me and i don't really judge it beyond that. it just is.

regardless, the trip to LA really pooped me out. any trip or event tends to put me in a tailspin. that part of me is frustrating. it keeps me from traveling or participating in things i would like to be a part of. i am always in fear that i will be too sick and have to ditch out, which happens more often than not.

last night i kept waking up with a migraine, and this morning, too, so i guess this is the fallout from last night. i feel scrambled and tired. i figured i would moan about it a bit.

okay, getting up. getting going. wish me luck.
xo
n.

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/30852523@N00/1410295596/" title="Photo Sharing"><img src="http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1369/1410295596_a2429ef056.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="headfirst sleebing" /></a>
man, i had a bad run. the last week or so i have just been feeling like poo. yesterday, worse and today, really bad. i am not exactly sure what the deal was. i did a bit of snooping on a new site i found called www.butyoudontlooksick.com that basically deals with all kinds of things that we deal with...at first, i thought it was just the lady problems that were making me flare up, i guess that is pretty normal in all of the maladies i have, but it got really bad. i had the sweats, the chills, heebie jeebies, i am not sure if i had a bad batch of patches. i ended up taking a shower, sitting down and drying off, getting dressed and back into bed and then basically getting back into the shower. by the 6th time, i took a chill pill (literally) a pain pill, put new patches on and was so exhausted that i sat down in the shower. i am not sure what it was that helped, but by the time i got out, i felt human, was able to watch ugly betty with jake and go online! wha?

i am super behind in getting any work done, getting orders out, returning and checking my email. it is beyond frustrating. i know i can only do what i can do, but it doesn't change the fact that it drives me crazy. when i can't even get myself somewhat under control with medications, i really start to freak out. i have been more emotional than i usually am, i am sure due to hormones, but still, when i don't do anything, not even things i enjoy...don't read a book, knit, talk on the phone, make something...anything, it just drives me crazy. i don't wanna whine anymore, i just wanted to vent a bit.

jake is so sweet to me. he keeps asking what he can do, what he can get, what can he make...meanwhile, i haven't even done a minimum of housework, cooked dinner, scooped litterboxes, nothing. i barely can get out of bed and take a shower. i am too tired to make a cup of coffee. he is just so kind. he never makes me feel guilty. he acts like it is crazy for me to think i should help out around the house, or do anything more than lie in bed all day. i don't know that i could work as hard as he does, come home and do whatever needs to be done and still be so nice and sweet. i don't think i could. i love you jakie. you is the best. you my flowa.
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/30852523@N00/1246698152/" title="Photo Sharing"><img src="http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1021/1246698152_c878c4ae85.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="DSC06342.JPG" /></a>
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/30852523@N00/1394106533/" title="Photo Sharing"><img src="http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1402/1394106533_e3e164a381_m.jpg" width="240" height="180" alt="jake and izzy sleebing" /></a>

okay, gotta check some emails. to-morrow, as jake always says, i will feel better.

mwah!
n.

so. i know, i have been absent. everyone knows why. a combo of lupus/cfs/fybro/migraines....and....ISOBEL. she eats my energy for breakfast. again, if you have children that are alive and have thrived...my hat is off to you. i am not wearing a hat, but you know, my hair hat. my kitten is off to you, anyway. so, i had a hectic weekend which involved errands on friday, the in-laws for dinner, they were gracious enough to come over here because izzy had been left alone for a few hours whilst i ran my errands and she doesn't travel so well anymore. she is so fast. on the upside, she ran around downstairs and played the whole time we ate dinner, so she was pooped that night. i had a bad-ish headache and jake let me sleep in on saturday, which i hugely appreciated and then i went out to meet shannon (aka the knitgrrl), andi and lovely heather who unleashed her enormous stash of yarn on me (woot woot!) i felt guilty giving her two batts and charlotte sometimes (the pink bird with the white scarf, which is good because cleveland is cold!), so i will have to make her another package. all of the yarn is still sitting in bags in my bedroom, but i did look through all of it and ooh and aah. we met at ikea which is normally a bit more than an hour away in no traffic, i had a headache when i woke up still, but we had afun time and then by the time i was leaving, it was getting hurty. the traffic was backed up bumper to bumper all the way home, so it took me an extra 1 1/2 hours to get home. with the bad migraine. i actually got the panicky "i am stuck in a car an indeterminate amount of time away from home and i keep almost vomiting and i want to cry" thing going on. that night i totally conked out. let me add that i scored at ikea. i got these gigantor plastic bags...that thick plastic like the bags that mailmen use...from ikea that have handles and deep zippers, literally i could fit inside of the one, and the other is slightly smaller. i had to fight not to buy a bunch of em, but i can now take my stuff to the post office without having to attempt to hold the post office bag up over my shoulders to keep it from dragging. although, after my last deliveries of packages that made me have to do two trips, i think i will get pick up. i just don't want to leave it outside, ya know?

so sunday, i did groceries and target and the pet store and then walmart because the pet store didn't have the formula that izzy prefers...nay, the only one she will eat. so i spent the whole day out and today i woke up at 3pm and got no work done because i was so exhausted. so. to-morrow i am excited to do some of the halloween yarns and work on some buttons and get stuff listed. i have a stack of stuff. i feel like a jerk. i haven't added much stuff in ages. gah!

wanna see some of the new neckywarmers with the handmade buttons?


not much else, i loaded up some new photos on flickr of izzy. she moves really fast, so they aren't great, but they are cute...


she is all about getting into everything and if she is awake when i attempt to check my emails, she will run across the keyboard to hear the bong sound that the mac makes, swats at the screen and tries to eat the cord. the battery is dead on this laptop, so if she eats the cord, we have to buy a new one. so. if i move her or tap her on the snoot, she just goes right back to it, in a second. bad bad monkey. i actually lost my temper last night and just closed the computer. i would be a bad mom. she has pooped and peed on the floor by herself, which is good. we are trying to get her to use the litterbox, but she isn't into it. i got the feline pine stuff because you aren't supposed to use regular litter lest they eat it. i may need to get something different. additionally, i cannot get her to eat off of a spoon or saucer. she will only drink her milk and out of a bottle. really soon, she needs to get onto the 2nd step formula to get enough nutrition. i am mixing the two to get her used to it. wish us luck. all kittens, all the time.

i will take photos of some of the new knits and yarns. i have some ideas for some scarves with handmade felt roses. maybe fabric. i have loads. i dreamed about it.
eeeeee.

xoxo
n.

at the risk of sounding like a bitcher and a moaner (i kinda am though), i will just say that i have been too tired to do really anything. i have been trying to push to at least get something productive done no matter how bad i feel...crochet a necky thing, do the fimo part of buttons in bed, small things, but i get so bummed out and depressed. i know i am hard on myself, but it really is torment to feel so lame. i have the creepycrawlies quite often, which i have had issues with for ages and took zanax for it years ago and had insanely bad memory problems (beyond the usual) so i don't take it. it did help with that stuff though. additionally, from the 2 hour feeding schedule with the baby kitteh, i am just in another world. i have a headache pretty much all the time and have had 2 really bad ones that didn't want to go away and i got panicky that i would have to go to the ER which then puts me down for a couple of days from the drugs they give me. i am really sleepy and tried to avoid getting online, even though my head feels a bit better, but after taking my pain pill, which made the migraine manageable, but i can feel the migraine underneath the pill, if that makes sense. i am nauseous and tired but can't sleep. i have so much that i need to get done and caught up on and i am just so behind and it bums me out. i got super behind on emails (don't even ask about blogs) and then some wholesale orders and listing stuff and packing swaps and things for friends, etc, etc, etc. some people (like katrina, jakie and barbe) are so patient with me it blows me away. i am flaky. i admit it. anyway, here is to hoping i am feeling more normal (in a good way) to-morrow and can get stuff done. if i wake up with a migraine i am going to be seriously pissed off.

in isobel news, she has learned a new gear...reverse! and fast, too. if you shake her toy at her or something she will just run backwards really fast. i was impressed. i showed jake and he cracked up, too. she is climbing her carrier bag and when she is out of it, i lay it on it's side for her and she plays inside of it with the zipper open and will fall asleep in there on her own. we used the same bag for pavel because i had to take him to the tattoo shop with me to feed him, etc, and he was fine sleeping in there, but once he got mobile, he just wanted out. izzy seems to like it in there. her little nest. she does bite, her baby teeth just came in and i try to redirect her with her crocheted toy, but sometimes she will come up to my face and bite my nose or lips, but she does it really gently. odd. pavel bit(es) like he was trying to eat you. not good. at all.

this photo of izzy is from a week ago i think.



i barely slept last night so i am going to try to do that now. wish me luck.

oh, also, i used fimo to make an ergonomic (if ugly) handle for my smaller crochet hooks. i haven't used any of the small ones yet to check it out, but i think it should be better, although i saw that susan bates, my preferred hooks, is making metal hooks with bigger bamboo handles. finally. sheesh.

xo
n.

i am having such issues with feeling lazy, etc. i had a hectic weekend, was exhausted sunday, shan came that night, we spent the day monday, i did NOTHING. no biggie. vacation day. on tuesday, donna came over just for a bit, i woke up late due to the headache from the night before. she left fairly early, the dentist called to say that they could squeeze me in to do my prep for the crown so i go in. i forget to remind the dentist that the regular novacaine or whatever it is makes me sick and doesn't work so well on me. so, i was expecting that because i had the root canal already that they were just sticking my crown in. um...no. not so much. drill. drill. drill. different drill. another drill.

an hour and a half later, i walk out feeling queasy, migraine well on its way and my mouth and jaw hurts like hell. on the upside i knitted my 2 socks on one circular the whole time, which was the only thing that saved me from writhing around and acting like a crybaby. the main thing is, i didn't expect it to hurt, so it made it worse, i think. i didn't even drop any stitches! pretty good, eh? i don't know how i lived without having portable crafty things to work on when i feel anxious.

whilst getting finished up there, filing down the temp crown, the assistant was talking to me about how her mom was dying of emphysema(sp?) and that her younger sister who lived in baltimore disappeared 4 years ago and there has never been any word of her since. they found her car in a bad neighborhood a few weeks after it happened and it had absolutely no fingerprints in it, including her own. nothing. there was no paper trail, so no one used her credit cards or anything. one of the things that i learned in the 10+ years that i owned the tattoo shop is that you have no idea what is going on inside anyone's head. no idea what may or may not of happened to shape someone's life. perfect, gorgeous women who seem like they would have it all got cancer and their husband left them. men whose wives took off and left their children behind. all kinds of things. before then, i always had a very hard time meeting new people. i always took everything personally. i thought everything was about me. in a negative way. which is even worse. and i know grown people who are like that. it is sad. they are people that no one wants to be around. people who can't be happy for anyone. can't empathize with anyone. think that whatever they have is better than what anyone else has, or worse, or whatever. it is just sad. i learned that it means a lot to people to have someone to open up to. even if you are a stranger. it means a lot to someone to have a little bit of kindness. to be a little bit spoiled. to feel special. even if it is the smallest thing, just for a moment. it is so easy to lose sight of that. to wallow in your own crap. i don't ever want to be that person. i don't ever want to lose sight of how much i have. i don't want to lose sight of the fact that for all of the really hard days that i have where i feel awful, i have some that i am inspired. i am able to push through. i am able to roll around like a pig in mud in the fiber, the paint, the cats...my amazing friends who love me and never give up on me even when i haven't talked to them in months, my family. and most of all, my jake, who has taught me that you really can have unconditional love and support. that someone really might think i am incredible...no matter what i grew up thinking or feeling. and that means so much to me. i think of those dark, miserable people who see everything as negative despite the fact that they usually have fairly easy lives all things considered. sad.

so where am i going with this? well, i have major guilt issues about being sick. about not feeling up to doing work. or cooking. or cleaning. or making phone calls. anything. and i know that all of us with health issues have the same guilt (don't worry, i won't mention any names) so i try to push it aside. but even still, i can't help but wonder if someone else could push through it. i see how hard my jake works, waking up at 3:30a and getting home anywhere between 4p-6p and sometimes cooking dinner if i am not up to it. and never acting crappy about it. ever. or i see how hard shannon works, like the damn eveready bunny. or any number of other people who have their hands full with kids, and all sorts of other things. but there is nothing i can do about it. so i have to just accept it. i have to.

i am slowly learning to sew. i can put in a hidden zipper pretty well, it doesn't scare me anymore. i used the bi-fold bias tape for the waistband of my one skirt and it looks really pretty. i have made a few things and have been doing sketches for some purses and tops and skirts. so that is exciting. i am going to attempt to sell some handpainted felt and fabrics, because i think color is my forte. the ironic thing is that growing up and in college, i was not a color person. i used dirty colors, and blood red, and that was really it. i don't know how i lived without color. i wish i could go back in time. but i can't. so in this life, i will try to be open to what i love and what i am really good at. i see people fighting that, they are good at something, but they want to be good at something else. they just won't accept that it isn't their thing. and it is a shame. so much of being happy and successful is accepting yourself as you are. striving for excellence is a fantastic thing, but some things, like me being a basketball player, are just not going to happen. and it is important to be realistic.

so, to drastically change subjects, here are some of the photos i had promised...here is my spring wreath. is it the cutest thing ever?

here is jake looking sexy in his yardwork clothes and steel toed shoes. seriously, he is such a sexy mofo. he thinks i am just saying it, and that you guys just say nice things to be...nice. so go ahead, leave him a comment telling him what you really think. i seriously am not sure how i lucked out like this. scccccooooooore!

here is kahlo's hairless belly. she is a licker. i think it may be allergies, but she licks pretty much any part of herself that she can comfortably reach, her tummy, inner thighs, parts of her outer thighs, her feet, paws, etc, etc. anyway, the result is pink, cool as a cucumber and the softest thing you have ever felt. wanna see?


i finished my first pair of magic loop 2 at a time socks today and while they are not perfect, they came out okay. i will take a photo tomorrow. i need to make my dad a pair that promised for months ago and then jake is next in line. i let him try on my pair as i was knitting them (cuff down) and he said "ooh, it feels like i am not even wearing socks!" so i am excited to make him some. he said he wanted big thick ones for walking around the house in, so i think i might just spin up the yarn myself. in worsted weightish yarn it wouldn't be that much yardage. my only concern is that a single ply will pill a bit. my other choice would be to buy some yarn or use sportweight doubled.

in music news, we got several new cds, amy windhouse being one of them and it is really fantastic. she is a 23 year old londoner and has a voice from beyond, amazing. they call it neo-soul. her voice reminds me of lauren hill a bit, but better and more consistent. also, lauryn hill made incredibly nasty racist comments against caucasians. not cool. we also got the fratelli's new album. they are from glasgow and it appears to me that lots of good things do. it is a really good upbeat album that is good from start to finish. lots of fun. it reminds me of the commitments soundtrack. anyone remember that? good stuff.

we also have been really into murder by death. good stuff. i promise you. i will post some more soon, too. i need to get a new ipod. mine is a zillion years old and has to be plugged in and i can't update it anymore, and is only 10G which holds a teeny fraction of the zillion cds we have. i forget all of the stuff we have because my memory is really bad and on ipod, it is there, you can listen to whatever you fancy. i am getting sleepy, so off i go. sigh. so so tired. man.

i love all of you guys. i hope you realize how much i have gained from having this blog...all of the things that have happened as a direct result of it. you rock!

xoxo
n.

okay, so i have been a bit absent lately. all of the horrible things that have happened this week, i just didn't even know what to say. on the same day, the shootings in virginia and all of the car bombs in the "safe zone" which barely made the news at all. horrible. all of it, horrible. and in this area, on the same days as those things happened, and last night, shootings all over the place, plane crashes, crazy stuff.

kurt vonnegut passing away kicked off the bad week. jake and i both are huuuuge vonnegut fans. i have read most of his books (and that is a LOT for the non-kurt peeps out there) and i will have to make sure to read the ones that i haven't read. maybe my favorite one of his books, dead eye dick, is about a guy with the worst luck in the world. he is messing around with a gun and the bullet goes through a series of different places and ends up killing a pregnant woman who is vacuuming her house. needles to say, he is called deadeye dick from there on. poor fella. i imagine that kurt is somewhere else raising hell and smoking cigarettes. in the end, he was right, cigarettes wouldn't kill him after all. go figure.

i have had a week of exhaustion. my least favorite thing in the world. oh wait, i hate the heeby jeebies worse. i used to get that skin crawling feeling all the time and it is unbearable. anyway, this weekend we were rather busy, i pushed myself to do a bit more and go out with jakie. monday i was really pooped. tuesday, pooped. donna came and hung out with me and sat in my stinky bedroom and watched tv and looked at pattern books with me. oh, and taught me to do 2 socks on one magic loop! i knew how to do one, but i am so excited to have learned two! here is a photo of it in progress, since ripped out. but this is my own handpainted yarn. pretty, right?

i actually ended up tearing out the original pair and starting over, and i even think i understand how to finish them. i will keep you posted. so thanks donna! we have a nice time together.

so then yesterday, i got work done and then was so exhausted that i got nothing else done. jake cooked dinner. i feel awful when i am too tired to help out. i had a hair appointment today and dragged my butt out of bed, no time for coffee, was yawning at the salon and started in with the creepy crawls (sigh) and went hom afterwards rather than doing the stuff that i needed to do. grrr. my hairdresser gave me an awesome new hairstyle. i absolutely love it. wanna see a bad photo of it? okay...
it is in a pony tail in the back, so it is still long...

i realize i should have had jakie take photos for me, i will do that to-morrow. it doesn't really show the hair very well. it has a sideswept bang that can go straight down, to the side or be pinned back, some shorter wispies on the side and then long in the back with a bit of layers. i feel like it softens my eyes a bit so they don't look so buggy. what do you guys thing? we put a section of dark through the middle of the blonde and i like how it looks a lot better. worked out really well. i think she was pleased to do something different. right before cutting me bangs, she asked if i was ready...i told her that unless she had something evil in mind, like a mullet (although those are um..stylish again. yipes.) that i wasn't worries. just hair. although when i got the two worst hairstyles of my life it wasn't just hair.

so i came home, relaxed in hopes of recharging a bit. i haven't really been sleeping so well and have horrible nightmares. i wish i knew a way to make them stop. i have had nightmares all my life. my niece, maddy has really bad nightmares, too. i feel like she was meant to be my daughter. i never thought i would have felt so connected to that little girl. i sent my mom a wrap that i knitted for her from an ironstone yarn kit that was cream with sparkle and texture, really pretty, i put in some really cute day of the week underpants for maddie and some dance ones, too, maddy, like me, needs her underthings to match her outfit. i have been that way since i was little. my mom said it was a pain how specific i was about everything and she is the same way. i am that way still, if not very fashionable. and my underpants most always match. if they don't, you know that i must be really out of sorts. anyway, she demanded that she had to put the frog ones on immediately to wear to sleep in. it cracked me up. not many 4 year olds are excited for new underpants (*i hate the word "panties" and refuse to use it.). my mom said she really like that wrap and being someone who has everything, if you give her a scarf, she will only wear it with a specific outfit, so she may only ever wear the things i make her once (at least once, i hope.).

i really avoid posting when i feel cruddy. i don't wanna moan and groan more than necessary. and frankly, i don't even have the energy at those points to complain. i lie down and do...nothing. weeeeee! however, if you are having pain or depression problems (or both) and need to talk about it...do! don't hold it in. it makes you feel like you are going crazy, when it is something that lots of people deal with and often, people are happy to talk about it. don't let it fester. find someone to talk to.

warm fuzzies,
n.

i really want to blog more but i am soooo out of it and tired. wanna see? it ain't pretty. but at least i'm honest. notice that it is dark and my pupils are pinpricks. also, that one eye is halfclosed.
blech. i feel soooo out of it. i also had jake some photos of me working in my sketchook over the weekend and pavel lying under my knees.

i am stunned at how fat i look and how enormous my boobs look/are. i hope it is just a bad bad photo, but i think i need to go on a diet, although i don't eat much. i also don't exercise, and hate doing so and would be using what bit of energy i have on it, which doesn't thrill me. when jake and i started dating i wore a size 3/4 comfortably. and that was 6 years ago? i am not even sure, but not that long and now i am not so happy with my body. i am not even sure what size i wear, but i am always super excited to go to the beach and i am not happy about anyone seeing me, especially my in-laws. maybe my enormous boobs will distract from my enormous thighs? hmmm....it just might work. but i will have to walk backwards. i will have to get a sarong or something. that will amke me feel a bit more comfortable. anyway, i need to do something about it. i don't want to end up being enormous and have lupus and god knows what else. and jake denies that have gained weight, bless his heart. he says taht he is fat. yup. he says people on the beach will pity me for being with such a "disgusting slob". i think he has it mixed up. i am an obsessive person as you may have noticed, so the only way i can diet is to REALLY diet. i don't cheat. i don't do it halfway. the problem with that is once i get to the part where you start adding carbs or whatever, i am screwed. when i did the atkins to originally lose a bunch of weight, i did fantastically, but i damn near stopped eating because i had no appetite because i was sick of eating the same low carb food and wasn't hungry. really. i got so skinny that people asked me if i was okay. skinnier than my frame was meant to be. although i was still flabby in the thighs and stuff. so i know that if i want to go back on a diet i can, and i can do well, but i am not good at going back into a normal diet. sigh. i do miss the days not so long ago when i felt hot.

okay, i am going to shower because my nose is super sensitive and i feel like i smell bad. i will postyarn photos and some of the spring knitting and crocheted things i have been doing for luxe. really pretty lightweight stuff...
xo
n.